Filed under: Cool things I like, Hilarity, Just for funz | Tags: Carl Winslow, carrots, Family Matters, pizza, Steve Urkel, TGIF
Filed under: Anecdotal, Just for funz, Ponderings | Tags: cave people, caveman, cavemen, dinosaurs, prehistoric, primitive, wishes
Sometimes I wish we were all cave people. Maybe just for like a week. Life would be easier in a lot of ways. Instead of stressing over your bills and job interviews and people sneezing on you, you would worry about finding more tasty-ass mammoth meat. Or learning how to ride on the back of a sabertooth tiger. You know, fun problems.
In wishing this, I also wish that I would possess the knowledge and ingenuity I presently possess, but in cave times. They would probably make me king. We would be a fair king. We would share the wonders of fire and human beatboxing with the cave populace. Dinosaurs could be used as appliances like on The Flintstones, though that is really only a good idea on paper as The Flintstones is largely fictitious, and dinosaurs were dickheads. If they don’t want to play our records with their beaks, then they can get the hell out of Cavemerica.
Of course, as cave king, I would not be able to stress the importance of self-survival enough. If I kill something, that’s my meat/clothes/tools/sex toys. Can you have some? Nope. Go to cave school or learn a cave trade. Soon enough you’ll have the proper training to hunt for days, eventually returning with something for your mate and young ones. Those whiny tree-dwelling bastards find this concept absurd. Take care of one another, they say. Help if you can, they say. If you become sickly or hurt yourself while operating your brontosaurus, that’s your problem. You need a spare skin to warm your ill young in the winter? Yabba dabba don’t ask me.
Even if those tree people were able to install their own tree king and convince most of our caveocracy to share a portion of their kill with the helpless and desperate, some pagan shit would go down. We, as cave people, would get primitive (which is totally in, so bonus). We would protest and bitch about it on Facerock. We would say things like, “Welp, there goes our cave freedoms,” or, “The tree king is Muslim, you know.” I guess that eventually we would realize that there’s nothing we can do about it. We would just have to beat something with a club until we were tired. Then it’s just a matter of seeing what happens next. Hey, maybe it won’t be so bad.
I hope this has helped some of you understand that living in cave times could be pretty cool or whatever. Thank you.
